


Jonquil (love me)

by unsweetpea



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Canon, M/M, Vomiting, indications of a mental disorder
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 09:51:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6901063
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/unsweetpea/pseuds/unsweetpea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Minseok just wanted to be perfect.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Jonquil (love me)

**Author's Note:**

> **Read additional tags for warnings! **  
> ****   
>  Written for [Prompt#80](http://dailyxiuhanisms.tumblr.com/post/144418781052/80) of the [Xiuhan Daily Drabble Challenge](http://dailyxiuhanisms.tumblr.com/) (Go check them out for more xiuhan!)  
> 
> 
> I'm sorry in advance. THIS IS UNBETA-D  
>    
>  **mood:** i didn't mean to :(  
>  **music:** jon mclaughlin - beautiful disaster  
> 

_If I were a flower, I’d be a blossoming garden of jonquils._

Luhan should’ve known right from the very start that everything is not alright. He should’ve known when he asked Minseok why he didn’t eat breakfast that morning and he responded with a lie, a little too aggressively. He should’ve known when they all went out for dinner last time and Minseok did nothing but dissect his food, shredding it to miniatures until they all piled up to the sides of his plate. He should’ve known when Minseok tiptoed down the hall, to the bathroom farthest from their rooms; the last thing he heard before he fell asleep were faint sounds of someone vomiting and gasping for air. He should’ve known when he asked him _Are you ok?_ and it had been seconds later when he finally said _Yes_. 

Everyone is panicking, chaos is evident in the room. Junmyeon is quickly tapping numbers at the telephone and he has to redial because he missed a number; Yifan is trying his best to calm him down. Jongdae is talking to Yixing (who at the moment is in China with Zitao because of their individual activities) on the phone, and he is stammering so much because he can’t find the right words. Baekhyun stays frozen before the threshold. Chanyeol is running around the house, finding towels and napkins; just anything to wipe the blood and vomit on the floor. Sehun is hysterical, calling out ‘Minseok hyung!’ every minute while his eyes are filled with tears; Jongin is almost close to crying himself, but he has to calm Sehun own. Kyungsoo has fetched the manager. Luhan is dreadful and vexed and angry and confused and shaken and crying. 

And Minseok is peaceful in Luhan’s arms. His eyelashes flutter, he has very little energy. His lips are stained with blood and something sour and still keeps on trying to speak. _I’m sorry_ , no words came out audible but Luhan could mouth them. 

“Minseok, what did you do?” Luhan hiccups as he attempts to speak through the wave of tears. “Since when?” He held up 6 fingers. “Months?” Luhan asked gently. Minseok just nods. 

“Oh my God, Minseok.” He cradles the older guy, rocking back and forth as he held him. He whispers, “Why did you do this?” 

He merely smiles, like he always does. His throat is burning but not with fire. His mind is spiraling with no direction. Bits of leftover from tonight’s dinner mixed with a generous amount of stomach acid and something vividly red… _blood _is everywhere. Though he does not show it, he is scared.__

 _Look at the mess I’ve made_.

He opens his mouth to speak. 

“I wanted to be everything. I wanted to be perfect.” 

 

* * *

It was 1:26 AM. Everyone is in deep slumber. The air around them was peaceful and tranquil. But Minseok stands before the bathroom mirror. He shivers as he splashed his face with cold water and he steadies himself to keep from falling by holding the sink with both hands. 

He could just do it. He could just get rid of it right now. He stares at the open toilet and thinks just how much he wants to get rid of it all. 

Minseok sees everyone adoring him, crowding the whole place just to get a glimpse of his hand or his fingernail, yelling _Xiumin is so hot! _or _You are unreal, Xiumin!_ , lining up for 5 hours just to get a copy of his magazine, his album, his poster. Minseok has always imagined being perfect, because according to society, you have to be perfect for them to love you. __

It didn’t take long. He pushed two fingers till he can feel his tonsils and the curve of his tract and until he can reach no more. He waits for the gag reflex and fights so hard against it. His eyes shatter like glass. _It’s too painful_. 

He struggles but he strives till he can feel the acid burn in his throat. He cries and he cries till he lets it all out. It’s orange and brown, bits of meat and rice splash with the water. _It hurts so much_ , he thinks. But he loves it. Everyone will finally see. Everyone will finally love him if he just keeps on doing this. 

His tears blended with the water as he showered down the pain. He needs to get rid of the sour smell so he brushed his teeth and scrubbed the bathroom floor until the whole thing reeks of nothing but soap. He goes back to sleep but not to his room. 

Luhan was slightly baffled at the sudden dip of his bed. Arms reach out to hug him from behind. 

“Did I wake you?” Minseok asked. 

“No, it’s okay.” Luhan yawns. “Your hair’s wet. Did you shower?” He turns to face him. 

“Uh- yeah, sorry about that.” 

Luhan should’ve known right then that Minseok’s next words were all lies, because if he really knew Minseok, he would’ve noticed that everything is not alright. But he didn’t because he was too sleepy to notice the pool of tears in Minseok’s eyes or the sudden halt of his breathing. “Is there any problem, love?” 

Minseok thinks. “No. I’m perfectly fine.”

_In the interesting language of flowers, jonquils represent desire._

**Author's Note:**

> Just to clarify, yes, Minseok has Anorexia Nervosa in this one. Specifically the purging type. And to make things extra clear, the second part was when he started vomiting out his food and the first part was when his members found out.  
>  I am very much aware of the lack of xiuhan in this. Originally, this was much longer than this and will be more essential if posted as a chaptered fic. But I'm too lazy to finish chaptered fics T.T  
>  I'm a Psychology major but for some reason, it was so difficult to write this even though it only got to 800 words. I still hope you like it tho ;-;  
>    
>  Also, this was set somehow between MAMA and Wolf era, when Minseok started to get really thin :( But I'm not saying that Minseok had this disorder during that time. I'm just saying, eating disorders (or just any mental illnesses) could be real for anyone. But I feel like idols are very much prone to it since they are exposed to criticism and pressure. So, yeah. I just hope we stop degrading idols (and just people in general) just because of their appearance (and also, refrain from ad hominem!) Let's just all be happy, alright? :)
> 
> As always, comments are _greatly_ appreciated (I will reply! c:) and kudos are ♡  
>  Twitter: ([x](https://twitter.com/yixingdeprived)) ([x](https://twitter.com/bottleofjin))


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